In case you do not know, I am not perfect. Not only am I not perfect, I struggle with my weight much more than anyone, besides my husband, even knows. For example, in the last two or so weeks I have managed to gain about 6.5 lbs. Most of that was due to Easter and all the candy that was in the house and going to out to eat.
Prior to that weekend I was still doing the kickboxing and loving it. After I weighed in Easter Monday morning 6lbs heavier than I had been the week before all the wind was taken out of my sails. At this point it becomes a perpetual cycle of feeling bad and binging, which makes me feel worse and then I binge more. Exercise goes out the window, because I feel like whats the point and the cycle continues.
The truth is I have been here before, many many times before. Unfortunately, for me, when I am stressed it is manifested in many ways, my house looks like a mess, which mirrors my mind, I am unable to concentrate on school or my goals, and it directly affects my weight. Usually all of this resolves when I find something of worth to work towards. It becomes a very "all or nothing" phenomenon. Last time, I was able to redirect this energy with the encouragement of a friend to run my first marathon. As soon as that was my motivation I was set and all aspects of my life improved. A simple goal such as " I want to weight X amount by X time" has never worked for me as a motivation. While I do have a weight loss goal, when I am stressed and need comfort food it is really easy for me to put off my goal for "just one day" and fold to the pressure. The problem with this is that one day always turns into a week of more of putting off my goals and giving into temptation.
When talking about eating disorders and such in class, I would say I might probably have one. I definitely have the binge eating down at least two times a week. However, I have never purged or starved myself. Purging is just two difficult, too many side effects, and for a lack of the better word, nasty. And as my father always said, "You love food way to much to be anorexic." I would have to agree with this as well. Exercise as a form of purging, maybe, but I don't exercise after I binge only after I have resolved to do better.
All in all, I have to look at my overall motivating factor, which isn't to be skinny, but to be healthy. The above forms lead to decreased overall health and my goal is to be here for Aiden as long as humanly possible. Redefining my reasons for being healthy gives me a new outlook and approach. While it is important to set goals, it is unhealthy to be defined by them. So though I may want to be a size 4 again, I am not defined by my size and weight. I would prefer to be defined as a loving mother, wife and friend, who is healthy in order to be able to continue to do the things that she loves and to be with the people she loves.
I still need to set a short term goal and have not come up with one as of yet, but will update my blog with my goal and my progress towards that goal. Today's blog is extremely personal. It wasn't my intention to make my blog a window to my life, as I am an extremely private person in some areas and this is one of those areas. However, I believe in the therapy of writing and making this public makes me accountable. I hope that those that may stumble across this will feel as though they are not alone in their struggles, whichever they may be, and not judgemental. Feel free to post to me your comments, thoughts, or stories. You may email me personally if its not something you can share publicly.
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