Phases of the Moon

Photo by: Melissa Main

"The Goddess of the Moon" 

Take with a Nikon 5100 

Phases of a moon

In the last few months I have been slowly transitioning out of the only world I have known for the last two years.  Now school is over and I am officially a college graduate and a Registered Nurse!  And while this is an exciting moment in my life it is also the beginning and ending of a many different things.  The securities involved with being a student are now gone and uncertainty fills the void left behind. 

And while I could sit here in melancholic nostalgia of the great adventures I have had the pleasure to experience I would rather focus on the NOW and what I can do to propel myself into whatever successes are next.  

My past is not erased though.  Sometimes we learn what we are capable of when we are striving to meet another's expectation.  And while my achievements may have been a bit misguided the results still remain the same. My goal now is to Run, because it is fun and fill me with energy and clears my head of chaos.  Lift, because it makes me feel strong.  Help others, because it brings enormous peace.  Spend time raising my family, because their youthfulness fills me with youthfulness.  Loving my husband, because loving another more than yourself is the most rewarding and fulfilling gift. 

So like the Moon, I embark on this journey largely alone in some ways, but in many other ways surrounded by an infinite universe that coexists in creative energy or peace and love. 

It has been a LONG TIME

It is hard to believe that 6 months ago I ran that marathon.  Right now I am in the worst shape that I have been in since my commitment toward health that started in 2009. I have gained between 8 and 10 pounds in the last 6 months and have moved from a size 6 to 8/10.  I can see the weight in my face, arms, legs, stomach... just everywhere. Maybe even more importantly I can see it in my energy level.  My gravitation toward laziness and lethargy.  I remember in 2009 this was the exact reason I decided to lose weight.

So what happen?  Life happen.  School became extremely stressful at the expense of my health.  Working in the healthcare setting, its ironic to see, but nurses break rooms are filled with fresh donuts to help cope with the stressful lifestyle.  And yes I feel victim to the donuts.  Then the lack of exercised kicked in.  Who in their right mind would run after a 13+ hour shift.  Not this chicka. Before I knew it I was way out of shape.

I only have a few weeks left before this lifestyle starts again.  I need to get on the right track, before I am thrown into all these temptations again.  Its not like I haven't been trying for the last six weeks since school ended.  Oh, I have.  But I haven't been doing things right.  I have been looking for a quick fix and thought "juicing" or fasting except for fruit and veggie juice was the answer.  While juicing has its place, in the first week of "juicing" I lost 6 lbs and gained a blood clot due to all the vitamin K.

I decided to rename this blog Balanced Health as it is my new goal and focus.  I am no longer interested or focused on the extreme physical condition.  While I do want to look great, I think focusing on that stops my ability to attain it by practicing extremes in exercise and diet that can not be maintained for much length of time.

So I start today in a new direction and hope to keep this blog updated as this unfolds.

Short term goal for May

May is going to be a difficult month as it will be the end of one semester of school and the immediate start of the next semester with out any break.  The next semester has been promised to move very quickly with no room for error or misdirection.  In order to complete the new semester with less difficulty it is important that I remove some of the distractions that cause increase worry and anxiety. I can do this by establishing and working toward goals.

In order to come to a goal I must prioritize the items in my life that require my attention.

Ranking in order of importance to me:

1. Family, because with out them the rest of it doesn't matter.

2. School, ultimately my education will help me support my family.

3. Health as defined as exercising, relaxing, eating properly, find "me" time, hanging out with friends or family as away to refocus and clear my head.

Short term goals for each for the Month of May:

1.  Spend time at least 30 minutes of undivided attention with each of my children each day. I will also spend time with my husband in which I am not studying or doing other things for at least one hour 4 evenings each week after the kids have been put to bed.

2.  Spend at least two hours 5 times a week doing school work outside of the school setting, focusing on staying ahead instead of behind what is assigned.

3. Maintaining at least a 500 calorie deficit daily and a 1000 calorie deficit at least 4 days a week.  With at least one hour and thirty minutes of moderate activity a day and at least 30 minutes of exercise 4 times a week.

4. At the end of each week I will write on this blog how the last week went, what was positive and what was negative about the week and how it effected my ability to maintain this plan.


In the long term this should:

1.  Strengthen my relationship with my children and husband.

2.  Increase my ability to stay on task with school assignments with less anxiety or stress.

3.  Reduce my weight approx. 6lbs in one month preparing my body for marathon training which should start end of June.

4. Help me adhere to my goals for the month giving me a chance to review what works and what doesn't work allowing me to change those things that are self defeating.

Yes, this looks like a nursing care plan! I was just thinking if it works on others I would see if I could make it work for me.  Again, all this is super personal which is why I'm not advertising my new blog post on Facebook.  I only publish this instead of keeping it private, because it serves to make me stick to my goal holding me accountable for my actions. 

Goals and Motivation

In case you do not know, I am not perfect. Not only am I not perfect, I struggle with my weight much more than anyone, besides my husband, even knows.  For example, in the last two or so weeks I have managed to gain about 6.5 lbs. Most of that was due to Easter and all the candy that was in the house and going to out to eat. 

Prior to that weekend I was still doing the kickboxing and loving it.  After I weighed in Easter Monday morning 6lbs heavier than I had been the week before all the wind was taken out of my sails. At this point it becomes a perpetual cycle of feeling bad and binging, which makes me feel worse and then I binge more.  Exercise goes out the window, because I feel like whats the point and the cycle continues.

The truth is I have been here before, many many times before. Unfortunately, for me, when I am stressed it is manifested in many ways, my house looks like a mess, which mirrors my mind, I am unable to concentrate on school or my goals, and it directly affects my weight.  Usually all of this resolves when I find something of worth to work towards.  It becomes a very "all or nothing" phenomenon.  Last time, I was able to redirect this energy with the encouragement of a friend to run my first marathon. As soon as that was my motivation I was set and all aspects of my life improved.  A simple goal such as " I want to weight X amount by X time" has never worked for me as a motivation.  While I do have a weight loss goal, when I am stressed and need comfort food it is really easy for me to put off my goal for "just one day" and fold to the pressure.  The problem with this is that one day always turns into a week of more of putting off my goals and giving into temptation.

When talking about eating disorders and such in class, I would say I might probably have one.  I definitely have the binge eating down at least two times a week.  However, I have never purged or starved myself.  Purging is just two difficult, too many side effects, and for a lack of the better word, nasty.  And as my father always said, "You love food way to much to be anorexic." I would have to agree with this as well.  Exercise as a form of purging, maybe, but I don't exercise after I binge only after I have resolved to do better.

All in all, I have to look at my overall motivating factor, which isn't to be skinny, but to be healthy.  The above forms lead to decreased overall health and my goal is to be here for Aiden as long as humanly possible.  Redefining my reasons for being healthy gives me a new outlook and approach.  While it is important to set goals, it is unhealthy to be defined by them.  So though I may want to be a size 4 again, I am not defined by my size and weight.  I would prefer to be defined as a loving mother, wife and friend, who is healthy in order to be able to continue to do the things that she loves and to be with the people she loves.

I still need to set a short term goal and have not come up with one as of yet, but will update my blog with my goal and my progress towards that goal.  Today's blog is extremely personal.  It wasn't my intention to make my blog a window to my life, as I am an extremely private person in some areas and this is one of those areas.  However, I believe in the therapy of writing and making this public makes me accountable.  I hope that those that may stumble across this will feel as though they are not alone in their struggles, whichever they may be, and not judgemental.  Feel free to post to me your comments, thoughts, or stories.  You may email me personally if its not something you can share publicly.

Cross Training: Kickboxing

I signed up for my next marathon! This one will be my first solo marathon.  Hoping to run the whole thing! In my area running is typically a fall-spring sport due to the extreme heat of the summer.  For that reason this marathon will not be until the fall. I signed up for the Duke City Marathon (again, I know) for October 23, 2011.  I had signed up for this marathon last year and then didn't train for it and didn't go.  It has been a source of bad karma for me.  I had fund raised for Autism, of course that cause is near and dear to my heart so even though I didn't run the fact that they benefited from my attempts gives me a little bit of comfort. However, I felt at that time that I had let myself and those who had donated down.  This year I feel a bit different though, with a half marathon and full under my belt I feel confident in my ability to for sure complete the marathon and hopefully finish at least around the 5 hour mark.

The only problem as I see it is that Octobor is still 6 months away and to not burn out I need a break from running.  Not only that but the heat will probably keep me from running most of this summer so I needed something else to keep me in my best physical shape.

The answer to my problem came from one of those half off deal websites.  A local business advertised unlimited fitness classes for about 30 dollars.  On a whim I bought the deal.  The location is about as far as possible away from my house, almost an hour away in fact. 

After looking at the website I had seen that they offered a kickboxing class and with my experience with TurboFire I was pretty sure it would be an aerobics class similar to that and wanted to give it a try.  To my surprise as I walk through the doors I am greeted by a young lady that asks me if I had brought my own gloves. Ha Ha  the jokes on me, as I look around to see a fighting ring and punching bags through out the room.  I told her no and she let me borrow some.  She handed me wraps for my hands which I also didn't know how to use.

After she wrapped my hands I threw my gloves on and headed over to the punching bags where the class would start.  As we warmed up with arm circles the instructor called me out with a smile on his face, I am sure I made his day.  He told me I did not need the gloves, because it wasn't time to punch anything yet! I thought, "beginners mistake, Im sure". 

Prior to attending this class I had gone on a date with my husband and had eatten a rather large meal.  As the warm up progressed I could feel that food not wanting to stay down.  By the end of the warm up I was already sweating pretty bad, possibly wanting to vomit, and definately concerned with what I had got myself into!

It just got harder from there. I punch and kicked uncoordinately.  The instructor smirking with each or my grimiced kicks and punches.  The weight of the gloves and constantly having to keep them up made my arms quiver with weakness. He wanted us to punch and kick fast, showing us various combinations.  I was so sure this would never end.  About at that moment I kicked the bag wrong and heard a pop as my toe began to hurt intensly.  Still trying not to swollow my pride and bow out of this class I pushed myself through it trying not to show my pain.  I kept thinking this is impossible.  I had just finished a marathon not that long ago, I know I am not out of shape and yet I can not keep up with this class!!

At this point we progressed to muscluar endurance techniques in which you have to keep your arms up and doing various exercises. The instructor made it clear, while looking at me, that should anyone drop their hands we would have to start all over.  Determined for me not to be the reason the whole class has to start over I would not drop my arms no matter what and the fire was killing my arms.

Finally, the class was over. He offered for us to stay through another class, but I was exhausted.  As soon as my heart rate dropped enough for my stomach to continue digestion, I was glad that I had completed my class. A closer examination of my foot yeilded a swollen purple toe.  Not sure exactly what happened there, but I was sure I found my new love! Not that kickboxing will take the place of running, but I think it will definately be my favorite activity to cross train with to increasing my endurance and muscle strength. 

Last night, I was able to attend again.  This time it went about 50% better. I didn't eat a big meal prior to going to class which was probably the biggest help.  I also knew what I was getting into and was able to stay with the class.  Overall it was a success. Looking forward to this class again on Monday!

Autism Awareness

A parents worst nightmare: having your child die before your own death.  It's the natural sequence of things and doing the opposite goes against the grain. I  can not imagine the severe unquenchable pain, even if the child is no longer a child.  However, for parents with a child with special needs or special abilities, we sometimes hope for the opposite.  I know that as Aiden's mother I am the only one able to provide the care and understand he needs.  My worst nightmare is that I will pass before him, no matter his age, and he will end up homeless, abused, neglected, taken advantage of, or institutionalized.  I'm not saying I do not hope he lives to be 80 years old. I just hope that I am able to be 100 or always at least 20 years older than he is for as long as he is.

And to this end my reason for everything I do revolves around me being around longer (i.e running my ass off and eating right), providing for him should the worst happen (i.e nursing school, continuing my education, eventually putting moneys aside for his care).  We had an exercise in ICU class the first day, in which we had to write down all the reasons we chose nursing school.  It was supposed to be 10 reasons.  I came up short with only 6, because my reasons have more to do with providing for my children and making sure Aiden is taken care of after I am gone.

Its really easy for many to say "Well, just make sure he knows how to take care of himself." And while that is the big picture aim and focus, the extent to which he will be functional enough to take 100% care of himself is unknown. His progress is our only indication of possible independence and to what degree.

This leads me to a few misconceptions about Autism. 
1. A child with Autism doesn't have a "look".  Its not something you can see from appearance alone. So saying "Well, your child doesn't look autistic" has no real meaning and is not comforting.
2. "Give me a few minutes with him and I will straighten him out."  Contrary to popular belief, Autism can not be spanked out of a child.  Usually techniques of working with a child such as spanking, yelling, taking something away, will usually not work in a child with autism.  It may, in fact, create a bigger problem.  When spanking Aiden, he actually thinks you are trying to kill him and will react equally aggressive back.  He is extremely sensitive to sound and yelling may cause him to become frustrated and react aggressively.
3. Another popular belief that is untrue comes from the idea that children with Autism are retarded.  My son's IQ was tested in two ways, once with verbal instruction, second with out verbal instruction.  He scored 60 on the verbal instruction IQ test and 110 on the IQ test with out verbal instruction.  Meaning my son is not "mentally retarded", he does have problems with communication.  That is not to say that in the most severe forms of autism, mental retardation my accompany the condition. However, on the whole it is two different impairments.
4. Another popular theory is that autism is created out of an unloving environment, in which the parent does not pick up or interact with the child from a very young age.  Of course as a parent, I would naturally disagree, but regardless of what you think about my parenting abilities, autism is not just a behavioral issue.  Those with autism have other physical symptoms to include intestinal distress, seizure disorder, and sleep dysfunction.

So what is autism:

Autism is a spectrum disorder that affects the way the child perceives the world around them and the way they interact with others. (Autism Speaks, 2011)  Many have trouble being able to think about what another person is thinking.  This is why having the ability to lie is actually considered a milestone and many parents jump for joy (secretly) the first time their child lies to them.

Sensory dysfunction is also a characteristic of autism.  I call this Aiden's special abilities or super abilities.  Aiden has very acute hearing and as a young child the ringing of a bell would cause him to cover his ears.  He also is acutely aware of smell.  He would at a younger age lay down to smell the floor after I had mopped.  He is the first person to notice an unpleasant smell and he may become angry.

Ritualistic behavior and repetitive behavior are also Hallmark signs of autism.  Aiden would spend hours watching opening and closing the gate to his favorite toy castle instead of playing with the toy men that came with the toy.  Another one of his favorite things used to be running a car back and forth on the floor over and over again watching the wheels move (the other name for this behavior is stemming).

These children do not usually grow out of autism and then will be considered adults with autism.  The goal is to progress up the spectrum as much as possible.  Its not so much the stage at the time of diagnosis, but the progression exhibited by the child.

I promise I am going to tie in running and here is how.  I urge everyone to support their local chapter of the Autism Society.  Funding across the nation is being cut from class rooms everywhere, to include those that specialize in Autism.  Research relating to Autism receives only 5% of the funding compared to other less prevalent childhood disabilities. (Autism Speaks, 2011)

This month is autism awareness month.  I encourage you to go to the autism speaks website and lean about autism.  Be understanding of those with Autism (if you see a child throwing a major tantrum, laying down kicking and screaming on the supermarket floor and the parents look just lost, the child just might have autism). Lastly, sign up for your local Run of Autism and support your local autism community.

Stepping off my soap box, I just want others to understand this disorder.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, however, with rates as high in 1 in 110 children the chances that you may know someone with autism or have a child with autism is extremely likely.  I also want to say that if you read the symptoms of autism, we all have little quirky behaviors that people don't understand. And in this way we all have a some "autistic tendencies".

Autism Speaks. (2011). Facts about Autism. Retrieved from http://www.autismspeaks.org/whatisit/facts.php

Bataan Memorial Death March Marathon 26.2 miles

I started back running approximately 6 weeks ago! To go from 1.5 miles and 2 miles with out stopping to running a full 13.1 miles the week after my first half marathon that I had walked partially, then two weeks later finishing with my team 5th place of 26 on the Bataan Marathon is just unbelievable.  It is such a high and I just wanted to write it all out before I forget all the details.

5:30pm- The night before the big day I tried to go to bed because I knew I needed to wake up at 12:30 am to be at Josh's house by 2am so that we could be at White Sands Missile Range before 4:30am when they would close the streets for the race.

9-12pm- Ron came to bed and I needed water this woke me and the nervousness creeping in kept me from falling back to sleep. Finally at 12 I went ahead and took a shower getting ready.

2pm- Josh's house. Sam was already there and Josh fed us as we waited for Johnny.  Everyone was sleep deprived and also excited. I found out I probably got the most sleep of everyone even with only 3 to 4 hours of sleep.

3:30- We arrive at White Sands.  Its super cold outside, much colder than when I left my doors in El Paso. It was almost 70 degrees at midnight where I live so I had dressed in shorts and a tank top knowing it was going to be probably fairly hot during the run.  We show up and its very cold and very windy. I have no idea how cold just that being outside for only a few minutes would cause me to shake and shiver uncontrollably.  The boys look for a way to sleep in the car until 6:30 formation.  I was to excited for sleep.  I was very aware that I may never experience anything like this again and that I was sharing it with some of the most awesome people I have ever had the experience to know.  So many thoughts going through my mind at that time.

6:30- Formation and I'm not sure how long we were out there.  I was beyond freezing.  Between the National Anthem and the speech about the Bataan Death March Survivors maybe we were out there 45 minutes or an hour. Honestly, I just can not recall because it was to damned freezing.  My whole body was convulsing.  I just wanted all of us to huddle together to create warmth, but those boys and their space issues and anti touching policies meant I was out of luck!  We met up with our fifth member, BJ and his girlfriend at this point.  A very cute couple. They looked warm all cuddled up together! It was adorable.

7:30ish- We start running.  The adrenaline was rushing through my veins and it was warm and nice.  I'm not sure what flying feels like, but it must feel similar to that feeling.  I felt light on my feet even though we were running in sand box sand. Weaving in and out of people. We ran 4 miles effortlessly only stopping because I needed sunscreen. 

9:30ish- Not really sure of the time at this point.  But we ran another 4 miles effortlessly.  Our team was still together. We stopped for Johnny to get his blisters treated.  I think the part I started loving at this point is the fresh oranges and bananas at the water spots. Probably the best thing I have ever had when running. 

10am- We are running on the road now, leaving the dirt behind. We are already seeing some of the top runners on their returning trip. My stomach is starting to bother me. I thought maybe I ate to much and drank to much right before running.  This is really on my mind and it seems like everyone is ready to talk instead of listening to music.  At first keeping pace with out music was very hard and just over all I started to hit a wall.

Mile 10-15 Not sure what time it is but I'm just done.  We are in deep sand and up hill. The path is going around a mountain or something.  I have fallen back with Josh who also has blisters.  I can't keep up with Sam and Johnny who are now running at least a 10 minute mile pace.  I see them up there and I keep trying to catch them just to have them leave me again.  Josh and I walk and run some. Definitely walking up hill, trying to run down hill.  BJ and his girlfriend had also stopped running and had started walking.  They did the whole thing hand in hand by the way.  I was thinking that was really neat and that I haven't had a "honeymoon" phase on that level in a very long time, at least since Ruidoso.

Mile 17ish- I'm not really sure what mile, but we met at an aid station catching up with Johnny and Sam. After resting for a little while to let BJ and his girlfriend catch up to our group, I decide I feel like doing some running again.  I think by now we are out of the sand at least for a little while so I start running and Sam joins me.  Johnny falls back with Josh and I felt bad that I had left Josh after he had helped me get through the hardest part of the race and the wall that I had hit, but I just wanted to run.

Mile 17ish-Mile 25- Just Sam and I.  We ran about a 10 minute mile pace for a while. He pushed me up hills and everything. We got to talk alot, which I of course I love to talk.  The road ended and it became sand again.  The same sand as the beginning of the marathon, except that I was no longer effortlessly floating over any of it. I was sinking with every step.  We ended up walking most of it, with short bursts of jogging here and there. We stoped at a couple water stations just to get a drink and kept moving.  Finally we were at the water tower.

Water tower:  We sat out there for about 45 minutes waiting for our team mates. By this time I knew I was severely sunburned, but did not comprehend the extent.  I was focused on being so close to the finish line, watching people pour past us as we waited. We sat on the other side of a rock wall which offered shade, talking some, but mostly exhausted.  Finally all our team shows up. BJ hand in hand with his girl friend again.  He looks to be in some pain but also very determined.  We have a mile to go and the plan is to walk until close to the finish line and then run it in.  BJ is holding walking pace at almost the same pace as a slow jog.  As we get closer he picks it up and starts running at a fairly fast pace. 

26.2 Miles- We, as a team, cross the finish line running.  Approx 7 hours 30 minutes out there in the sand.  We take lots of pictures, but we don't hang around for long.  Sam had been up for 30 or so hours by this point and needed to get home.  Overall, I felt good and it wasn't until I got to Josh's house that I realized the extent of my burn. I had totally missed my shoulders when we had applied sunscreen at the beginning of the race. 

Today is Tuesday and looking back at this whole thing.  I just feel so grateful for my friends that helped me through this and basically held my hand through accomplishing my goal.  I am acutely aware of how little time I have with them, before we graduate.  I am so proud of what we accomplished even though I wasn't able to run all 26.2 miles.  Bataan was a very hard course and I think for what it was we did great.  I look forward to finding the motivation with in myself to do a few solo marathons.  Its really hard for me to keep the determination when I am doing something solely for myself.  When nobody will know what I have done but me.  Nobody to impress, nobody to be encouraged by except for myself. 

I will, however, hopefully always remember my first marathon and the great people who were beside me.  Thank you to Sam, Josh, Johnny, BJ and his girlfriend (sorry I forgot your name ).